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 Soccer TV sweeps For your viewing pleasure: Fictional fall lineup unveiled
Posted: Friday September 03, 1999 02:01 PM
Welcome to September, the unofficial start of the year as summer vacations come to a close, the new school year begins in many communities and new cars are put on the market. And September also foretells the new television season, as well. While there is more soccer than ever on TV these days, it's too bad there isn't a Soccer Channel for all you soccer fans out there to watch programs that deal with the real issues of the game in the United States, because its schedule could very well look something like this: Spin City (comedy) -- Weekly, hilarious show about various Major League Soccer leaders making excuses. This week: New York/New Jersey investor-operator Stuart Subotnick tries to hoodwink the media into believing that having the worst first division soccer team on this planet and averaging 15,000 a game in the biggest media market in the United States isn't so bad after all. Prisoners of Zenga (movie) -- A great Italian goalkeeper takes over the reigns of a pro soccer team in New England and manages to run it into the ground with his ultra-defensive tactics before the fans literally revolt. The Jerry Springer Show (violent) -- Today's panel topic: Foreign-born coaches in MLS and the general managers who adore them. The X-Files (drama) -- After years of trying, we finally get to see the double secret files of former MLS deputy commissioner Sunil Gulati. Not for the squeamish and faint of heart. Sliders (adventure and fantasy) -- Our adventuresome foursome slide into a world where baseball never made it big (the Boston Red Sox never sold Babe Ruth to the New York Yankees) and where soccer is king in the United States. Pele as himself and Alan I. Rothenberg as U.S. president. Logan's Run (movie) -- The rise and eventual fall of an MLS commissioner after four revolutions of the son. It began with The Year of the Great Beginning, continued with the Year of the Great Disappointment, followed with The Year of Stagnating Attendances and TV Ratings and finally concluded with The Year of No Excuses. Arli$$ (comedy) -- A frustrated Arliss gets so upset negotiating for one of his soccer player clients with MLS and its single-entity concept that he quits, giving up his lucrative lifestyle. First of two parts. Arena Futbol (sports) -- Actually, it's the U.S. vs. Brazil in an international friendly, but ABC officials are so desperate for ratings they figured they could rename this sporting event (after U.S. national coach Bruce Arena) and perhaps bring in a few non-soccer fans. What's My Line? (quiz show) -- Can you guess the identity of the new MetroStars' coach? Hint: He's not an American and speaks with a heavy accent. C-Span (documentary) -- The History of Brazilian Street Soccer, an inclusive look (eight-part series) that has full results and leading scorers of all of the unrecorded matches in that South American country. Seinfeld (company) -- Jerry and company attend their first very soccer game as they are forced to deal with the follies of standing on line for a bad hot dog and discussing the intricacies of the single-entity concept, which could go down as classic as Abbott & Costello's "Who's On First?" routine. When Kramer refuses to give back a ball kicked into the stands during the game, a major riot ensues. Miami Vice (drama) - Crockett and Tubbs -- the characters portrayed by Don Johnson and Phillip Michael Thomas -- arrest the entire Miami Fusion for impersonating a soccer team and for playing at Lockhart Stadium despite having a Miami city name.
Arli$$ (comedy) -- In the second of a two-part episode entitled, "Double Entity," Arliss tries to exact revenge on MLS by opening his own rival outdoor league with two commissioners -- himself and Sunil Gulati. Bora! Bora! Bora! (movie) -- Desperate to save the franchise from themselves, a pro soccer team in the New York area hires a well-known international soccer coach who has a far-reaching reputation as a miracle worker and is a self-proclaimed gypsy. However, he produces devastating and disastrous results for the team and league. Whose Line Is It Anyway? (comedy) -- MLS game officials do comedic skits with Drew Carey's troupe, which shows they can provide even more laughs than they usually do with their on-the-field decisions. Jurassic Soccer Park: Clash of the Titans (movie) -- Scientists manage to clone the great soccer players of the past - Pelé, Johan Cruyff and Franz Beckenbauer, to name a few -- to play at the St. Louis Soccer Park. But something goes awry as these "dinosaurs of the game" start eating the profits. Goodbye, Columbus (movie) -- Let this be a lesson to all soccer teams who have excuses about losing on the road. Due to the construction of its new soccer stadium, the Columbus Crew is forced to play its first seven matches on the road, winning five of them. Jenny Jones (talk and screaming) -- Today's topic: MLS team makeovers. The San Jose Clash, Kansas City Wizards and New England Revolution are featured. Throw-InsStat of the week: D.C. United and the New England Revolution have won as many games as the MetroStars have at Giants Stadium since last August 19. United recorded a 5-0 win on Sept. 16, 1998, a 1-0 victory on April 3 this season and a 4-1 triumph on Aug. 11. The Revolution registered a 2-0 victory on Sept. 2, a 4-3 shootout win on May 29 and a 2-1 shootout win on Aug. 25. The MetroStars defeated the Columbus Crew, 1-0, on March 28, the Miami Fusion, 3-2, on May 15, and the Tampa Bay Mutiny, 2-1, in a shootout, on June 30. They're 3-11 at home entering their game against the Chicago Fire at the Meadowlands on Sunday. In fact, United has accrued nine points in those three games, compared with the MetroStars' seven. Now, that's really embarrassing. All-time leaders: Without much fanfare, a couple of MLS coaches have surpassed Bruce Arena as the all-time leaders in regular-season victories. Arena registered 61 victories in his three seasons guiding D.C. United. Dallas coach David Dir and United's current coach, Thomas Rongen, each have 62 wins. Trivia question: Which six MLS coaches who have records above .500? Trivia answer: In alphabetical order, they are Bruce Arena (61-35), David Dir (62-60), Tom Fitzgerald (54-45), Glenn Myernick (48-42), Thomas Rongen (62-54) and Octavio Zambrano (39-18). Michael Lewis covers soccer for the New York Daily News and is editor of Soccer Magazine. To submit a question or comment to Michael Lewis, click here.
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